I was carrying anger from the spiritual community, and the “love and light” spiritual bypassing that I see on a regular basis, so I decided to sit with it. This isn’t the first time I’ve felt a wave of that anger come over me. I’m sure it won’t be the last. You can read my other blogs like “I Am Not A Lightworker“, to gain a little more context.
I Left Religion and Found Something Else
When I left organized religion and was just starting out as a new spiritual seeker, I had a bunch of teachers and gurus telling me to intend a better and healthier life and body. And that if I intended hard enough, it would become a reality. That my power of thought is better and stronger than my autoimmune disorder, and better than my genetics. I, being new to the community and way of thought took it to heart and denied my own reality in favor of the new spiritual community and practices that I was looking into. After all, these people are thought leaders, and I am new to this way of thought, so they must be on to something, right?
While I believe everything is possible I also believe I was given this body of limitation as a challenge. My body is not as a curse or a smite from god.
Who is any spiritual guru or teacher to tell me that I don’t “meditate enough” or “intend health” enough for myself? Who is any other spiritual teacher or guru to tell me what my path is in life?
I really looked up to a lot of these people. I thought that maybe one day I could live an existence that was “normal.” If only I could be as good as them, as thoughtful as them if I could learn to meditate strong enough!
Look, I believe everything is a realm of possibility. Perhaps for some people, it is their challenge in life to do inner work and to overcome their bodies and conditions. Perhaps for some, the work is to have the challenge or the difference in accessibility, and still achieve even though the body is sick or different.
It Wasn’t What I Thought, Actually It Was Really Toxic
“BEING ILL ISN’T AN EVIL. And “Curing” yourself with your Practice and Spirituality doesn’t make you better than anyone else. It’s just a silly marketing technique that people use to get followers.”~Brittany Chavez
But after years of watching and looking up to a Spiritual Teacher, I saw them fall. I saw a string of very bad things happen to them. I saw illness and accidents plague them. I saw the health of the Teacher decline. How!? If I looked up to this person, and they had such a good practice, and such a good life if they helped so many! How is it possible that the same illness they talked about healing from reared its ugly head when things started to get tough in life again?
BECAUSE THEY NEVER GOT RID OF IT. Despite all the talk on Law of Attraction, the meditations, the intention setting, the books, the classes, the personal success stories, everything fell apart. I truly believe this person held an image for the community, and through that image, they helped many, and they still continue to help many. But I want to make something very clear to you: at its base, BEING ILL ISN’T AN EVIL. And “Curing” yourself with your Practice and Spirituality doesn’t make you better than anyone else. It’s just a silly marketing technique that people use to get followers, and I fell for it Hook, Line, and Sinker. Being ill or needing diverse levels of accessibility is not a punishment. And maybe this person got really good at hiding or managing the illness for a really long time. But when stress and life happened, everything fell apart the way it does when you are chronically ill.
God Doesn’t Want You To Suffer
Believing that your suffering or illness is a smite from god that can be taken away through prayer is a very Christian way of viewing things. (Yes, you might be Christian, yes you might be reading this. You may be tempted to comment “Not all Christians!” And before you do, I want to jump in here and let you know that your experience with Christianity doesn’t invalidate my own.) I was raised to believe that our suffering makes us more “holy” and closer to Christ and that Christ gives suffering to those who are loved. Growing up, when something bad happened to someone, or someone got a bad diagnosis, there was always a question and conversation about what that person could have possibly done to feel the wrath of god in such a horrible manner. There was always either a veiled or sometimes apparent idea that anything less than a perfect body, financial situation, and life was some sort of blight or test sent by god.
And for me, that Christian programming from my formative years is very pervasive, despite all of the inner work over the years, forward movement, and success I’ve had in removing it and thinking for myself.
I think there is a lot of cross-over in the Christian way of thought, and the New Age spiritualism (or Love and Light Hippies as I call them.) There is a pervasive dynamism between good and evil, right and wrong, light and dark. Your life is either perfect, or it’s not through some fault of your own. I don’t believe in any of that. I don’t believe in good or evil. I rather believe that situations and circumstances exist, and you have the freedom to make moves based on what your life is.
“The board is set, how you move forward is up to you.”~Brittany Chavez
Taking Ownership for My Body and My Healing
My illness isn’t a curse from god. It also won’t be taken away by some power of god, not even if I pray my hardest. The reality is I have been “given” resources, and my resources don’t include a perfect and well-functioning body. So while I’ll continue to pursue health, to meditate, to take herbs, to eat clean, to live a good and healthy life, I am not going to go on intending, or pretending that I will one day have a normal body that isn’t falling apart and fighting against itself at every turn.
This is me. I have a suspected connective tissue disease and a diagnosed autoimmune disease. My body isn’t god wanting me to suffer. My body isn’t a cosmic lesson. My body is a challenge and an extra layer of depth in my human experience.
And if you’re reading this and you have a different level of accessibility or some sort of disorder or health condition, I DON’T SPEAK FOR YOU. It’s up to you to define your life, your health, and your experience. If you’re looking for a spiritual teacher to sell you snake oil and to give you a magic potion cure, I AM NOT THE ONE. Trust me, there are plenty of people out there who will share their success stories and their “cures”. Instead, I’m here to empower you on this journey towards living your life unapologetically and intentionally. Stop seeking the outside validation of “gurus” and teacher. Sit with yourself long enough to know what is right for you.
Meet Bri 4-Wind
She is a passionate healer, educator, spiritworker, and minister, on the path of truth seeking and knowing. She is the mother to 4 living children, with one somewhere in the great unknown.
She is on a mission to study Midwifery, and to provide competent and caring maternity care services that honor the life, essence, spirit, and body of mothers and birth givers in her community.
She spends a lot of time educating and supporting the community in her Facebook Group. And enjoys helping people move through life with intention and passion.